November 15, 2010

How to have an undefeatable chess career!

There are dozens of books and articles on "How to..." and than, miraculously, you suddenly become an expert! (At least this is what they promise you:) Why not a chess expert than?! We all know how well chess players are taking their loses..."In chess winning isn't everything, it is the only thing!" Therefore, it is quite necessary to know how to win easily without just mastering the difficult task of playing good chess. The art of annoying your opponent is a must for those who do not have the time nor patience of playing master chess:) And that's most of us. Easy step by step rules called "How to" will help you be on your way to an undefeatable chess career.
Caution: Results may vary!

There are several methods that can be adopted to disturb your opponent so as to distract him from making a good move. 

Step number one - Setup the board in a goofy manner as to annoy your opponent. Along with the board, set the pieces up in correct order making sure that each piece is off center if not touching an adjacent square. If your opponent adjust the pieces, wait until he's done and than adjust them again. Trust me, he'll give up. Good job. You have successfully angered if not made your opponent ready to kill you at any given moment. Don't worry, killing is illegal in the game of chess and he will have to immediately forfeit the game, making you the winner. But if he doesn't act in such a way, follow step two.

Step number two - What you should do before the game starts:
Smoke a few very bad cigarettes and than, of course, start a conversation!
If you are not a smoker, don't panick! Eating garlic is a very good alternative!
Another effective method is to talk to spectators about your opponent and perhaps start ugly rumors about him ("He loves George Bush"). People will soon be staring at your opponent, will start to snicker and point at him. This will make your opponent very uncomfortable and will take his mind off of chess. If that doesn't work, discuss your opponent's playing ability or talk about how he dresses funny. This will draw your opponent into the discussion with an argument and he will have forgotten all about his game.

Well chess champion in the making, if these don't work, don't give up hope. These steps are guaranteed victory. Proceed to step three.

Step number three - during the game:

The following tricky moves will never let you down:
1. First move: Randomly yawn with intense mouth opening expression on your face. Move your arms into the air as if to stretch them, best if the arms "accidentally" hit him. Remember, they aren't expecting you to do this. Try a couple times to get it all in one motion. Don't worry, it takes everybody a couple dozen tries. Great job! Proceed.

2. Second move: A very effective method of disturbance is to cough, sneeze, and blow your nose loudly during the game. Spread lots of germs and let your opponent know that you may have some awful disease. If he thinks your disease is contagious, he will leave the board often, unable to concentrate on the game. Have lots of used tissue paper from blowing your nose on your side of the board.

3. Third move: Bring enough food and drinks with you. Let your opponent know how much you enjoy them. Chomp loudly so all may hear your wonderful sound of you chewing your chips and sandwich. Drink any soft beverage and after each sip say "Ahhhh" like your being refreshed every time. Then lick your lips with much enthusiasm and with more "Ahhhh" noises in between. Eating and drinking are very compatible as they both give each other support and better efficiency.

If still nothing works so far, it means you are facing a very strong Grandmaster, but don't worry, he is also human. 

4. Fourth move: A popular method among grandmasters for annoying an opponent is to stare directly and deliberately at your opponent. Let your opponent know he is being watched and stared at. Of course, if your opponent starts staring back at you during your move, carry a pair of sunglasses with you and slip them on. The mirror reflection type is best just in case your opponent or his guru is trying to hypnotize you.

5. Fifth move: With the help of a friend, you can plan on taking pictures of the game. Make sure a bright flash can be produced. Just before your opponent reaches to make a move, your friend flashes the camera and blinds your opponent temporarily.

6. Sixth move: This one is for more advanced players - pretend you just made a blunder and act in a very convincing way! Of course you have a trick and you calculated everything. Your opponent will hurry, happy to finish the game, but he will miss your hidden idea! Watch the video:

Warning! Unfortunately Kasparov really made a blunder here, so watch out!

7. Secret move: If all fails, here it comes the best secret of all secrets: When your opponent is thinking, make yourself a lousy move with his piece, as if he did it himself! 

TOP SECRET! There is just one more kind of annoyance worth mentioning. Of all the annoyances to an opponent you can make, this is the most devestating of all. Although it is very infrequent in occurrence and almost entirely accidental, it is the most annoying and upsetting disturbance known to chess. It is called making a strong move!


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