November 17, 2010

More Chess Humour:)

"So I was having dinner with a chess grandmaster - Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt!"
TOP TEN Moments when you should sense danger in chess:

10. There has been a change in the pawn structure. Your opponent has eight and you don’t have any.
9. Your opponent begins to throw pawns at your eyes.
8. You have a position won, but your opponent has a gun.
7. The Director tells you not to bother turning in your score sheet after the game.
6. Before the game begins you notice your opponent’s first initials are GM.
5. After completing your development you sense your opponent is playing the endgame.
4. Just as you make your opening move your opponent announces mate in 11.
3. You don’t control any squares at all.
2. Your draw offer sends all the people watching your game into uncontrollable laughter.
1. Your opponent has three bishops.

Two chess players, Vlad and Igor, decide to play a game of correspondence chess. The only problem is that Vlad is at the North Pole and Igor is at the South Pole, both at totally remote outposts.
However, they have devised an ingenious scheme where every month, they arrange for a team of huskies to battle the elements from the respective base camps to the outposts in order to deliver the moves inside a weatherproof vial, strapped to a dog's neck.
This plan works fine for a few years. By move 27, the game is reaching the critical middle game point, where a wrong move would mean disaster for either player.
It is Vlad to move, and for some reason, Igor does not receive his move on the normal date.
Two months pass, then three, then six, then a complete year. By now, Igor can hardly stand the suspense and is climbing the walls with frustration.
Suddenly, he sees a team of huskies approaching through the blizzard outside. He rushes out, and with trembling hands, opens the container.
He unfolds the paper and can hardly bear to look at it. He tentatively opens his eyes and scans what is written on the paper:

My computer beats me at chess.
Unfortunately my computer is not as good at kickboxing.
I think my computer will have to forfeit the tiebreak round.
Q: Where do you buy chess supplies?
A: At a pawn shop!

In 1972 a group of Soviet gulag prisoners listened to the first five games of the Fischer-Spassky world championship match on a smuggled radio.   At that point the match was tied at 2.5 points each, and just before game 6 the prison guards discovered the radio, confiscating it before the hapless prisoners could learn the outcome of the match.

Some two weeks later, a new prisoner arrived in the camp.  Eagerly crowding around the newcomer, the prisoners pressed him for the final results of the match, whereupon he sadly replied, "I lost."
How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb? Nine.
One to complain about the lighting levels,
one to say he thinks the lighting is OK,
one to suggest someone calls the arbiter,
one to go and call the arbiter,
one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947 tournament at Hastings,
one to complain about the disturbance the others are causing,
both arbiters, and
one to say he thought the lighting was better before they changed the lightbulb.”

Mr. A: "hm~~, I am confused"
Mr. B: "What's the problem, A?"
Mr. A: "Well, I am thinking about chess."
Mr. B: "Oh, I am an expert, A, so if you got any. . . "
Mr. A: "OH GOOD~, you see B, The queen has the power of both Bishop and Rook, which makes it kinda the best piece in the game but, how come the queen can't move like a knight?"
Mr. B: "Um... um... um... Maybe... because... um... The queen is too shy to get onto a horse... you know... the skirt and stuff... "
Mr. A: "Ok... but I thought only man can go to war. How come there is a queen in the chess board?"
Mr. B: "Because... um... um... everyone should be treated equally?"
Mr. A: "I see. I thought women weren't treated equally in the past."
Mr. B: "You know what, I got to go."


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